Rick Santorum Visits the Confesssional

For those of you who weren't raised as Catholics, I'll explain a little. "Going to Confession" is one of the key elements of Catholic dogma. The idea is that, if you admit to your sins, and seek to be absolved of them, you'll be cool with God. We won't argue the merits of the concept here. The traditional confession was held, in of all places, the "confessional," usually a musty little closet in the corner of your church somewhere. Father Frisky Hands sat in one room, you in the other, separated by a wall, but allowed to communicate via a little shrouded (no, not THAT shroud!) window.

I thought, that since Rick Santorum is such a fervent Catholic, that we might imagine for a moment what his latest confession might have been like. With that in mind....we take you behind the heavy oak doors......

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been three days since my last confession."

"It is good to hear your voice again, my son...but did you really need to come back in so soon?"

"Yes, Father."

"What troubles you, Ricardo my boy?"

"I have been foolish, Father. I mistakenly blamed the city of Boston and its errant liberal attitudes for all the ills of the Catholic clergy."

"Yes, we read your web postings. They made us proud here in Philadelphia. So what can the trouble be?"

"Well, Father, if you read today's paper there was....."

"Excuse me, Ricardo, but I only read the Gospels and the latest financial solicitations from His Eminence, the Cardinal..."

"Well, speaking of the Cardinal...."

"Ricky. You are losing your faith. I can feel it. The power of The Church is behind you, my boy, but you musn't lose faith, nor your high place amongst the GOP leadership in Congress...."

"But these reports about the City of Brotherly Love are disheartening, Father. I am tempted to rethink my remarks about the Charles River Gomorrah....unless...

"Yes, Ricardo. You know there is another answer...let us pray for a moment, so you can cleanse your mind and think clearly....."

(mumble, mumble, mumble....)

"Has the answer come to you, my fleshy little friend?"

"Yes. The Spirit spoke to me. The answer is now so clear...."

"And that is..."

"Blame the boys and girls themselves, blame the movies, blame television, blame comic books, blame Soupy Sales, blame those Bazooka Joe jokes, blame Hugh Hefner, blame Barney Frank....well, you get the idea!"

"Ah, but do we really want to play the "blame game," Ricardo? "Didn't Scott McClelland eschew that approach?"

"Fuck Scott. This is my ass we're talking about here!"

"True, but I might not use that exact phrase these days. And, I'm afraid I'm going to have to add a couple more "Our Fathers" for the unfortunate use of the f-word...."

"Fine. That's what I have staffers for. See you next time, Father."

"I'm hoping it won't be so soon....?"